of the Totally
I'm back! Iiiiit's me, Madog ! The really very secret agent serving Her Canine Majesty !
Since my last adventure, I’ve had a well-deserved rest (yes, I still almost ended up as a pussycat burger !) at the Temple of Peace of my master and mentor Ching, Grand Master of the Clairvoyant Pool.
The Tao clan was my family, and Ching has taught me everything I know !
The Golden Puppy Dog has been safe there ever since !
And from my side, I tried to find the values of Clan Tao and anklesnappers ! Meditation and the art of combat ! All this took me back so many years !
For his part, Ching observed carefully the Golden Puppy Dog in the room of the ancients, when a glow lit it up from inside. How was that possible ? The Golden Puppy Dog, this weapon with immeasurable power, could not activate itself all alone ! Ching began to be alarmed. All senses alert, pricked up ear, ready to jump (hop, hop, hop !!! ... backflip and double toe spin !) !
But he did nothing !
Silent as the cat seeking its prey ! (Well, yeah, a cat ! Bah, you've gotta admit they are discreet ! And just as sneaky ! And a bit disingenuous as well ! ... meh, whatever !) As I was saying, silent as the sneaky cat watching its prey, Ching made his way around the room, looking for unusual signs around the Golden Puppy Dog !
It was a mysteriously mysterious mystery of mysteries, and Ching absolutely had to know why and how the Puppy Dog could come alive !
With his claw, he stroked the surface of the sacred water of the clairvoyant pool, but nothing ! No trace of mathematimutts, the clan of the wicked scientific magimutt villains ! Nothing ! Son of a squinty Siamese !
He turned back to the Golden Puppy Dog; the light was getting brighter and brighter, as if animated by a life of its own ! So it had not yet revealed all its secrets !
As fast as a cat scampering after a thrown shoe, Ching went out to Madog’s tiny kennel. He absolutely had to prevent what was going to happen !
He entered (no, we do not knock on the door of an anklesnapper kennel !), and found me trying to share a bowl of kibbles with the cute little bobtail in Rastas I had brought back to Scotland with me !
(Why do I keep crossing from "I" to "we" in the same yapter ? Because I do what I want, it’s my story and I'm the hero, okay ? Seriously !!!)
Caught in flagrante delicto, I raised my chops in a monstrously silly smile in front of my Master completely, how do you say it, disappointed ...!
– Ugh ! But what are you actually up to, my little anklesnapper ! It's not like you're gonna put your paw in the door ! Besides, I'm afraid we have a problem !
Follow me ! Quickly, now ! I shall call Chang and Elvis (hungarian wirehaired vizsla) to walk Missy here to the exit !
I watched her leaving me sighing, while Ching was waiting for me, tapping his paw, showing me not a little impatience.
– I am your Grand Master ! And I am telling you to get your head up, and double to the room of the ancients !
I was the first to enter in the sanctuary. The Puppy Dog was just a brilliant light.
A light that came and wrapped around me, swirling around me. Son of an alley cat, my ears were flying, they fought in every way, and that’s not to even mention my chops ! The blowing of the whirlwind rushed right in to the point of making two parachutes on my fangs !
I had lost all my bearings when I finally landed heavily on the floor. Lastly in a rather vile pile of muck - and a badly smelling one at that ! Ewwwwww !!!
I recovered after a fashion onto my paws, shook myself as hard as I could, when something huge bore down on me !
A horse !
He stopped his race a few centimetres from my nose. It also reeked as much as the pile of muck -, and looking down the individual figure of this huge horse, I knew where I was !
Or rather 'when' !!!
Back to the future
It was all the excitement in NI-6 when Ching told them the news !
The agent Madog 008 had disappeared !
– But what has happened, Master Ching ? Asked F (fox terrier), scratching the back
of his ear.
– I knew the Puppy Dog would not normally respond ! I went looking for Madog ! He entered just before me and the light scattered by the Puppy Dog was immediately wrapped around him ! I could not see anything and when it passed, Madog was gone !
– This is a right mess ! confessed F with a strangely uneasy eye.
This did not escape Master Ching. He sees all, does Master Ching.
– Agent NooNoo (French bulldog, and Madog’s best friend and first ‘conquest’), get everyone together ! Meeting in my office ! Right NOW! shouted F.
– You know where my little anklesnapper is, don't you ?
At that very moment, the other agents entered with a brouhaha of yelping and yapping.
The agent Jean-Pierre (black lab), French of course, in "flair" training with NI-6, beret cocked on his head and eye alert, was accompanied by Agent J002 (big boxer), which , as was his wont, went to lie on the table.
Yes, Agent J002, he suffers from some sort of OCD, linked to the germs found on the ground. He tried wearing socks but experience had proved, erm... somewhat slippery...!
– This is serious ! Our faithful agent Madog 008 is in real doggy doo-doo ! F said very solemnly, placing his pocket watch in the pocket of his three-piece houndstooth suit.
Ching felt that F was hiding important information from him.
– Do you know something, F ? I would stake my last doggie chew on it ! So tell us the truth ! Where is Madog ?
– I'm going to need more volunteers for this most perilous mission !
– To do what ? asked agent Jean-Pierre, his tongue lolling out, already excited by this mission of which he still had no part.
– I think he has made a jump in time !
All of a sudden, silence filled the meeting room ! The officers all looked at each other and Master Ching pointed an accusatory claw at F.
– By the whiskers of a hairless cat ! You'll explain yourself now, right away ! Ching cried in a voice, resonant of the Ancients behind him.
– Agent Colette (Pug) is trapped... in the Middle Ages !
– But what are you barking about there, F ?
– She was operating on a mission to infiltrate the secret base of the Mathematimutts and disappeared ! No more news ! I then received a message from the traitor K9 (Belgian Shepherd) ! He said Agent Colette’s cover had been discovered and that I could never find her because they had beamed her into another era. And then when we put our paws on the Golden Puppy Dog, I knew that this was the solution to recover Agent Colette !
– You mean you know the powers of the Golden Puppy Dog and you've kept it toyourself ? F, scowling, wiped his glasses, so as not to show he was feeling guilty.
– I had no choice, Ching ! Anyway, the Puppy Dog sent Madog back to the Middle Ages so that he can save Agent Colette, and that is what he will do ! ... As soon as he finds out that this is his mission !
– The problem is that the Golden Puppy Dog went out ! We're stuck here with nothing to do ! Ching grumbled, swinging his cowlick back. "I have to use the magic of old to guide us to our little anklesnapper !"
– Or maybe put the paw on one of mathemagimutts and we teleport to the time where Madog is ! Agent J002 intervened, jumping from the table directly to the chair. Especially not putting a paw down on the ground ! Ooh La La !
– And how do we do that ? asked Agent NooNoo, skipping into the room.
F, with piercing eyes and a visible canine, planted himself behind his desk.
– Agent NooNoo, you will be going to the pound and paying a visit to Von Rugrats ! I am sure that even from the bottom of his cell, he knows where and how to find them !
– At your command, boss !
– Wait, NooNoo, make sure you avoid the little poodle office flirting like last time !
– Of course, boss !
Agent NooNoo shuffled away, with an embarrassed smile and a wet nose!
L'ami de Madog et séducteur de 1ère ! Madog's best friend and terrible seducer !
En hauteur ! High !
Mais que se passe-t-il ? What's happening ?
Sucked into a space-time vortex (How do I know ? I'm a secret agent, alright ! I know a space-time vortex when I see one !), folded into quarters like an ordinary piece of paper, I landed down quite heavily, but with my snout in some kind of mud. Even if we dogs are rather supple, having my head at my tail and my hind leg on my ear did not make it a particularly elegant finish for a dog of my class !
– Listen up, you rascals ! What is this get-up all about ?
– Whoa, no, hang on a minute, hey ? You haven’t had a look at yourself just lately !
Sure my clothes are covered in stuff from where I'd rather not know, but...
– These are the loos, which means,...
– Thank you, I think I get what you mean ! That’s all I need ! But what am I doing
here ? And first of all, who are you ?
– I am the great Schnaubellan (Schnauzer) of the castle, and you, going by the sight of your rags, you must be the buffoon that Lady Morbark (Weimaraner) sent for me to fetch !
A suit at this price, I thought, would make him swallow his weird pointy hat, the muppet. But the burning question at the time was : What was the reason for my presence here ? The Golden Puppy Dog had apparently sent me into this land to get a message to me, but what message ? A mysterious, strange, weird mystery that I was going to have to break through without my usual gadgets ! I was right in the doggy doo-doo !
– I’m not a buffoon, I’m... a... Kaniknight !
I puffed out my muscular torso to make me a bit more... “dogly” !
– Hells bells ! You ? A kaniknight of the round table ? So where’s your armour ?
Schnaubellan wrinkled up his snout suspiciously.
– A kaniknight of the round table ! C'mon ! As if they exist ! A legend, yes ! Erm, ... It's a new coat of chain mail that I brought back from another continent !
– Oh yeah ? Where from, exactly ?
– Over there ! I said, pointing my paw at... nothing.
We rode for a good quarter of an hour, I spat out bits of muck which were spurting up while the horse was galloping (nobody tells you this, but watch a horse on a muddy road after torrential rain and then we can talk !).
Arriving in the great hall of the castle, I saw her seated on her cushion, the Lady Morbark in question, her silver coat of fur, and her perfect lines !
But beside her, hell and damnation ... a cat ! (There’s lots of cats in this story, yeah ?) And not just any cat! A sneaky squinty-eyed Siamese ! He was watching me, evil smile, ready to pounce on me on the collar !
I continued my quick scan of the area and my eyes fell on a cage, and inside ... Agent Colette and her eyes that see everything everywhere (they roll 360 degrees in their sockets ! Very few agents have this capability)! A prisoner ? She was watching me insistently as if to say, "Don’t say a word, Madog, she must not know who you are !"
I knew now that she was my mission ! I had to save Agent Colette !
The villain, oh yes she looked like a villain, Lady Morbark got up from her pillow and came down the steps to me ! Her approach was so majestic ! Oh, what a shame !
– Agent Madog 008 !
Whoops ! I was a goner ! She already knew who I was ! I had to find a trick, and fast ! My charm would have to kick into action !
– Well hello there my Lady, you lovely girl !
– You can drop that ! That’s not going to work with me ! You're not my type ! I am
faithful to my hero, Von Rugrats !
Von Rugrats ! Him again ! The image that came into my head made me giggle. The tiny but very long Von Rugrats and the large great Morbark ! Such a pity ! But it was not the time to joke ! I put my really VERY secret agent head back on !
– But who are you, and what do you want with Agent Colette ?
– I am a mathematimutt. Agent Colette proved to be a little bit too curious. She sought to unravel the mysteriously mysterious mystery of our order ! She wanted to know the extent of our powers, and I think she is not disappointed ! But it is not Agent Colette that I was waiting for, but for something from you, Madog ! I want to recover the Golden Puppy Dog !
My magnificent boxer and really very secret agent’s sharp mind began to churn over at full speed ! Me here, Golden Puppy Dog there, he and I separated by ... eight hundred years ! Whoa ! Complicated !
– Just that, mmm, ok ! And how do you think I can get to bring it back to you ?
– With my abilities, I'll send you back to your time and you will bring it back to me... but you won’t be going alone !
– SO I’m going to go with Agent Colette ? That’s a great idea ! Good, so let’s go..?
– Oh no no no, you’re dreaming !
Drat, damn, and dog’s logs ! It was a good try, but she saw me coming, the old bag !
– You’re going to go with one of my Kaniknights !
And then I saw him enter the great hall of the castle. I had to raise my head, that mountain of muscle and fangs was so impressive.
– Woahhh ! So you really do exist ! And what’s your name, little kaniknight ?
– Rolf (German shepherd) !
– Oh yesss ! Ok !
Big on conversation, this Kaniknight !
In fact, he barked his name more than he said it ! But despite my really very secret agent qualities, I didn't have much choice, and getting rid of him seemed a little compromised for now. The myth of the kaniknights was going to take a hit on the nose ! Maybe because we were not on the same side ! For the time being !
The world was in the doggy doo-doo ! Mathematimutts with the Golden Puppy Dog in their clutches, and they could turn us all into pussycat burgers ! And no-one better than us dogs knew the peril we were in !
of Season 2
Ching came out of the whirlwind and landed in a totally delicate way in the great hall of the castle in front of a stunned Madog, who was no less surprised to see him before himself in the Middle Ages, but more for the grace of his master !
– But how the hecky heck have you got there, Master Ching ? Is it the Golden Puppy Dog who has also sent you ?
– Chi, my little anklesnapper ! My Chi !
– How do I do that, how do I find my Chi ?
– It is already within you ! Chi is at the centre of the universe. It connects people and things between them ! That's how I could join you, my little anklesnapper ! I looked for your Chi !
– Woahhh, that’s so cool...!
– Err, just let me know if I'm disturbing you ! I’d like to remind you that I have a hostage and I would not hesitate to make her into kibbles if you do not bring me the Golden Puppy Dog immediately !
The other vixen who was turning up her nose ! And the threat of being made into kibbles ! But she’s not who she thought she was ?
So, while the ugly villain was about to send me off into this whirlwind of nausea, Ching intervened by skipping over to her.
– If you wouldn’t mind, Lady Morbark, I’m dealing with this !
With one paw, he neutralised the ray coming from Morbark, and with the other he transmitted his power to make me disappear.
So with a sucking noise and in a corkscrew, here I am in another room but still in the same time... I think !
The room was completely – ‘totally’ – round, velvet cushions placed all around the sides, and in the middle, a sword, or rather
"THE sword" Exclebiboooonnnnne !
A door opened, and before my very eyes, "the kaniknights of the totally round doghouse !" Unbelievable ! They really did exist !
With their shining armour, sat each on his pillow. I felt like a puppy, my tongue lolling out and tail wagging through the air of enthusiasm.
The last to enter but not least, wearing a long blue velvet cloak, I recognized immediately as Mermutt the Magician (Irish setter) !
– Well hello Madog !
– Unbelievable ! Everyone round here knows me !
And there, from a small back door, I saw Master Ching proudly arise ! I was puzzled all of a sudden ! I watched him whilst scratching my chops !
– All right, all right, so I got the wrong room ! Anyway ! I present to you,...
– Mermutt the Magician, I’m guessing ! (I was still lolling my tongue in admiration of this mythical figure of magic)
– My dear friends, we must join forces to defeat the villainous Lady Morbark !
– But I don’t get this ! You are the greatest magician of all time and yet you are unable to neutralise her yourself ? And you have Exclebiboooonnnnne !
– Yes, but my magic has nothing to do with hers and I can do nothing about her because she belongs to your dimension ! It is therefore a magic of great value, but it also has a link with your dimension to beat her !
So it’s up to you !
I felt both flattered, but also too awesome, as I could not see how I could get out and above all, get Agent Colette out of this doggy doo-doo !
– Ermmm... ! But how am I going to do this without the help of my really very secret agent’s gadgets ?
– What in the fluff of consternation is a... gadget ? exclaimed Mermutt, talking to Master Ching.
– They are the weapons of a secret agent !
– Gadzooks ! I don’t have any idea of what you’re talking about, but I do know that you can use Exclebiboooonnnnne !
I thought I was dreaming !
– But it is stuck fast in the ground, and everyone knows that only a brave Kaniknight can remove it !
Ching drew up close to me.
– You don’t always hear everything I tell you to be true, but believe me, my valiant four-legged friend, you're my little anklesnapper, so get me this sword out of that stone and use it to hoof the bum of this mathematimutt of canine misfortune ! Agent Colette is counting on you, and me too !
– And us as well ! interrupted Mermutt.
At that moment, Rolf came in like a furious fury-like fury. His canines exposed, he lowered the visor of his helmet, and rushed at me to flatten me like a pie (ah yes – in the Middle Ages, they ate pies too) !
I slid to the side and grabbed the handle of Exclebiboooonnnnne.
With a multitude of sparks, the white-hot blade emerged from the slab and almost made me lose balance. It lived ! It was an extension of my paw !
Rolf stopped sharply. He realized he did not have the advantage on that
shot ! All the Kaniknights stared at me with admiration and stood behind me, ready to do battle with Morbark ! What chivalrous spirit ! (I love that word !)
Master Ching, from a height of one foot (paw??), took the head of our... army ?
– Attaaaaaaaaaaack ! Follow meeeeeee !
He headed for a door on the other side of the room. We followed him yapping and barking, just to impress the enemy. Through the door, we found ourselves directly in the great room with Morbark ! In fact, it was next door !?! ... Random !!
Whatever... I emerged as a true Kaniknight in a three piece Armani suit, Exclebiboooonnnnne gripped in my paw.
The villainous Lady Morbark, a little surprised though, sent a flashing bolt in my direction. I decked it out with my really very very heavy blade of my sword. The lightning ricocheted and returned to its sender. Morbark turned into an ice statue almost instantly ! What, and that's it ? One small blow, not even on purpose and she’s already out of the game ? Pahhh !...
Mermutt unlocked the cage that was holding in Agent Colette. She ran yapping up to me. She was smiling. His lips and tongue were swaying in all directions.
– Thank you, Madog, and hurrah ! What class you had with that sword !
– Oh yeah !! But it’s all over already !
– Not quite, Agent Madog !
Using her powers, Morbark was in the process of melting ice, and within minutes she would be completely free.
It did not even take a minute. Ching focused.
– Madog, we must take full advantage that the villain Morbark is still trapped in ice to bring her with us to our dimension and our time ! But I need your Chi. Mine will not be enough to bring the four of us, especially as I feel that it is using its powers to fight us ! Drop that sword and come and help me !
– Bah ! Cat poo !
Then addressing Exclebiboooonnnnne: "I will never forget you !"
I handed the sword, with great difficulty of heart, to Mermutt the Magician who thanked me warmly.
– Hurry up little anklesnapper ! She is starting to move a paw ! Concentrate !
– On what ?
– The universe, Madog ! It relies on all of us ! Feel it moving through your body ! Your centre of energy !
Madog saw the Chi from Master Ching surging out of his belly. A beam of the colour of gold, gleaming, pure, brilliant ! Agent 008 did the same. He cleared his mind to meet his.
The two rays mingled with each other to form a cylinder which sucked in all four of them.
The loud sound of suction and the sight of a corkscrew.
Master Ching, the Agent Colette, the very villainous Morbark and I were unceremoniously dumped to the ground, or we were rather clumsily driven to meet an obstacle ! What the heck ! A wall ! We were back in the offices of
Morbark was free now but just as she was about to utter a spell, Agent J002 jumped on her without his paws touching the ground, of course, and shoved a Puppy Dog teeth cleaner in her gob. Agent Jean-Pierre grabbed her with a choke collar and Agent NooNoo positioned himself in front of her once she was immobilized.
Mister Seduction in action !
He swaggered before Morbark, his eyes languorous.She turned her head away, wearied by this little number of pushing and pulling, and it was just at that moment Agent Noonoo chose to pull out a small box in front of her. A small box that he opened slowly, and from where came a ... flea that split into a dozens of other fleas and jumped on Morbark ! The mathematimutt squirmed in all directions. She tried in vain to scratch herself, but without success.
– Take her away ! intervened F.
Agent Colette had returned, the Golden Puppy Dog always safe at the Temple of Tranquility of the Tao Clan. He was endowed with a life of his own, and therefore represented a hope for the world, but also an immeasurable danger if he fell into bad paws. Yet again, this was not the case.
It was late. Everyone had left NI-6. Agent NooNoo entered F’s office.
– Evening, boss !
– Hmph ! You’ve got lipstick on your snout, NooNoo !
– Whoops ! Ermmmm ! Sorry ! I’ve got a piece of very important information, boss !
– Whatever Von Rugrats has told you, it doesn’t matter much any
more ! Madog and Agent Colette returned unharmed !
– Yes, and I'm delighted, boss, but I think we are in the poop ! Von Rugrats has escaped from the pound !
Master Ching whirled like a tornado into the office.
– So I’ve heard – and I think you are going to need us !
– Us ?
Cats ?!? No, but what else ?
Three cats, but not just any old cat ! They’re "Moggymen" !
– "Moggymen"? What in the name of nine lives is that ?
But that, as they say, is another story.
THE END (Of this Tail)
To be continued....